Should Everyone be a Parent?

Original Post from 2014

First, I know I am lucky that I can take time to be with my little girl now and not be working for a few months.  I am lucky, as absurd as it is, to be able to nurse my child.  Culture today is not set up for mothers to be able to nurse (one of the most basic human rights), and so many have to use formula.  But, it is also the most challenging thing I have done.  My needs are not first, I don't get to sleep half the time I did at any other jobs, my back/neck/shoulders hurt for the first time in my life, I am away from my husband and friends for extended periods of time, I cannot go to events in general because she is not an "easy baby."

My sister, who I respect and admire very dearly, is in her early 30s, has a great guy, they both work, she has student loans like me, actually does have a job with insurance benefits (unlike me), and feels she is too busy to have kids.  She does not necessarily feel the need for children.

Now, I have experienced the feeling that comes to mothers only after their first child arrives into the world and they are in AWE, they cannot get over how amazing their tiny baby is, and really just pure love.  It is great, and it does not go away.  First, I have to say it is the most intense emotion of my entire life.  It's a different kind of love.  This is akin to never tasting sugar and then tasting it.  You can't IMAGINE it until it is there.

However, I do not think all people were meant to be parents.  I think you should have a huge amount of WANT and be willing to change things in your life.  Some people will never be ready on their own.  It may change them if they accidentally become parents - this happens all the time.  But if you are in charge of your own fate, making the choice is a huge one.  For me, nothing is going as planned.

Since I was working remotely and could be at home or at my office, I thought I would be back to work in three weeks.  Wow - I was so very wrong.  If you've followed the blog up until now, you will know I tried to return to work and failed, that I am still sleep-deprived....

At work, a well-rested parent can have the luxury of leaving the home, feel free to get into that very different mind-set where people eat lunch in peace and talk to adults in a witty way.  I have lost all wit.  People talk to me and I am sluggish and awkward with sleep deprivation, holding my child and never stopping a rocking motion.  I look like a crazy person.

Before having children, if you love your job like I do and like Senthil does, think to yourself - am I ready to let that go for a huge commitment, even though I will feel amazing love amidst unimaginable expense and hardship?  Can I see myself hauling a carseat around everywhere for the first year, changing diapers on the floor in places that have no where to lay a child?  Getting up five times a night?  Seeing your baby look at you for every need, and putting them first?  Seeing their first smile and thinking you need to smile back/baby talk them/get the camera all at once?  Dealing with an unexplainable hour of crying one minute after their first smile?  Having everyone in the world criticize your cup of coffee because you're pregnant/nursing (even though you know that having less than 200 MG of caffeine is okay).  So yeah, I wanted this, and I still want this.  In fact, something in me that must be crazy actually already wants another one.  I look forward to the days when I can happily drop my child off for, say, eight hours, grab my coffee, zone into my lovely computer and get to work.  I adore that feeling of productivity!  For now, I'm just getting by.  But it's still okay, it's still good, just really really really really really HARD.  So, this next part is a big deal:

I also committed to letting my husband go on a five-week business trip to India.  I said "Okay, I'll be fine.  Go ahead, Love."  Do you know when I said this?  A month BEFORE the baby was born.  THEN I decided I would spend that time in Iowa so my family could bond with Koral.  I hope this all goes well, but I have a sinking, panicked feeling about it all.  I am leaving my emergency milk in the freezer in South Carolina, along with a secure set-up in our home.  I will not have Senthil, my rock, with me.  This is a risk.

So tomorrow, we're packing up our tiny car with the dog, very unhappy and colic-cursed infant, me and Senthil and somehow all our stuff, and traveling halfway across the country to leave me at my family's house.  Part of me is really looking forward to this - seeing my sisters, parents, and niece, of course.  I have visions of celebrating their birthdays, baking and cooking with them, playing board games, fall walks, hot tea in the midwest October air, walks with Koral all bundled up, pretty leaves, and catching up with midwest friends.  I really hope that's how it goes.  But I already miss Senthil.  To think of him flying away right now to the other side of the world without me and Koral is heartbreaking.  Yesterday, he said he could cancel the whole thing.  I want him to.  But I think that this is all planned, and in the worst case, I will still be alright.  Right?