For this whole time of the kid's lives, I really wanted to blog. But it seemed like I couldn't say it all, because our marriage has been so awful. How do I express how amazing my kids are and how I feel like the luckiest person in the world every single day and in the same story explain Senthil? It's just too hard.
A week and a half ago, I opened the conversation - I said "Hey, some time this week when you have time, can we talk?" He said, "About what?" with the fear of change. I said "Us." As there is no us and has been no us in years, he said "Divorce?" I said "...Yes."
And there you have it. In the past years, I have actually had many many many many many many fantasies about being brave enough to broach this subject and he said it just like that. I did not expect what followed, which was he was distressed enough to NOT go to work for two days - he CRIED. That was new. He begged. He admitted that he was a jerk for YEARS. All just like that. In the face of losing his parasite's host, he crumbled and realized his entire life was being lived wrong.
Since then, we have been to counseling once. It was a good experience. I have agreed to go to counseling and even to date him in exchange for him moving out. This is non negotiable. It's him or us. Something has got to give. It reached a level where I don't sleep anymore. Heck, here I am still up at 12:23 a.m. Where I see through my daughter's eyes a horrible role model in her dad. To be fair, in the last 10 days he's been GREAT. But could that really stick? Years of neglect and mistreatment brushed under the rug with a simple mental breakdown? It's not like i didn't bring it up before, but I guess this time there was simply no bluff to call. So here I am, with this nice guy that is being all soft and sweet with my - OUR - kids (been saying "my" for a while now) and I don't know when the act will fall.
Today I talked to a landlord for an apartment and when I told him i found a place he lost it. He started calling relatives, my parents, his cousin, to get them to say moving out was a bad idea - even though that was the one thing so far he has promised to do and the counselor agrees it's needed.
So he hears some of my parent's stories. The crazy stuff like how he wouldn't get me a glass of water when I was sick or just had a baby. And he comes to realize that it was worse than he thought. And I don't know what to SAY to that. It's been hard and sad. Horrible? No - other people are starving - that's horrible. But it could have been SO much better. I never got to be taken care of. When I was sick, it inconvenienced him. When I was pregnant, he wouldn't touch my belly and got mad when I tried to get him to feel the kick. These things - they still make me sad enough to cry. And India. Not going there here, but that last trip will be the last trip. The day after my son was born - he yelled at me for directing him how to get Koral, who was one, a snack. And then he left with his computer bag. And it's been that way every day since. Until last Monday, when I said Yes to divorce. I have a million bits of sad and yet I am a very happy person - but my potential is huge without someone bringing me down every day. I don't know where to go from here but it is UP. He is hellbent on reconciliation. I have trust issues. I just want to be free to be happy. I want my kids to be free to be happy. Prior to last monday, that only really happened when he wasn't home.
He's got a checklist to improve. He's being the perfect date. But he was that date once - until we got married.
Ocean is so cute now (16.5 months) with his trying to talk and so smart with gesturing - but if he needs something he makes the most annoying noise in the world. You know the one - from Dumb and Dumber? Yes, he makes THAT. Like if he sees a cup and he's thirsty. Or if he wants up in the night. OMG, that noise! I can't wait till he can talk it out! He will be getting his first haircut soon. His current laugh is so funny for a little boy of 16 months - he's a deep "Heh heh heh" when he thinks he made a great joke or trick or game. :D Koral and him are great buddies and she eagerly awaits him waking up from nap. They have figured out Hide and Seek and that's the favorite game! Ocean is just like Koral with the super advanced climbing - he can now get in and out of the crow's nest on the playhouse outside and up and DOWN the ladder and slide. Yep, he has no problem backing down a 5 foot ladder. :/ They are both just the BEST kids ever. They have my happiness in them.
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