This Next Chapter

For this whole time of the kid's lives, I really wanted to blog.  But it seemed like I couldn't say it all, because our marriage has been so awful.  How do I express how amazing my kids are and how I feel like the luckiest person in the world every single day and in the same story explain Senthil?  It's just too hard.

A week and a half ago, I opened the conversation - I said "Hey, some time this week when you have time, can we talk?"  He said, "About what?" with the fear of change.  I said "Us."  As there is no us and has been no us in years, he said "Divorce?"  I said "...Yes."

And there you have it.  In the past years, I have actually had many many many many many many fantasies about being brave enough to broach this subject and he said it just like that.  I did not expect what followed, which was he was distressed enough to NOT go to work for two days - he CRIED.  That was new.  He begged.  He admitted that he was a jerk for YEARS.  All just like that.  In the face of losing his parasite's host, he crumbled and realized his entire life was being lived wrong.

Since then, we have been to counseling once.  It was a good experience.  I have agreed to go to counseling and even to date him in exchange for him moving out.  This is non negotiable.  It's him or us.  Something has got to give.  It reached a level where I don't sleep anymore.  Heck, here I am still up at 12:23 a.m.  Where I see through my daughter's eyes a horrible role model in her dad.  To be fair, in the last 10 days he's been GREAT.  But could that really stick?  Years of neglect and mistreatment brushed under the rug with a simple mental breakdown?  It's not like i didn't bring it up before, but I guess this time there was simply no bluff to call.  So here I am, with this nice guy that is being all soft and sweet with my  - OUR - kids (been saying "my" for a while now) and I don't know when the act will fall.

Today I talked to a landlord for an apartment and when I told him i found a place he lost it.  He started calling relatives, my parents, his cousin, to get them to say moving out was a bad idea - even though that was the one thing so far he has promised to do and the counselor agrees it's needed.

So he hears some of my parent's stories.  The crazy stuff like how he wouldn't get me a glass of water when I was sick or just had a baby.  And he comes to realize that it was worse than he thought.  And I don't know what to SAY to that.  It's been hard and sad.  Horrible?  No - other people are starving - that's horrible.  But it could have been SO much better.  I never got to be taken care of.  When I was sick, it inconvenienced him.  When I was pregnant, he wouldn't touch my belly and got mad when I tried to get him to feel the kick.  These things - they still make me sad enough to cry.  And India.  Not going there here, but that last trip will be the last trip.  The day after my son was born - he yelled at me for directing him how to get Koral, who was one, a snack.  And then he left with his computer bag.  And it's been that way every day since.  Until last Monday, when I said Yes to divorce.  I have a million bits of sad and yet I am a very happy person - but my potential is huge without someone bringing me down every day.  I don't know where to go from here but it is UP.  He is hellbent on reconciliation.  I have trust issues.  I just want to be free to be happy.  I want my kids to be free to be happy.  Prior to last monday, that only really happened when he wasn't home.

He's got a checklist to improve.  He's being the perfect date.  But he was that date once - until we got married.

Ocean is so cute now (16.5 months) with his trying to talk and so smart with gesturing - but if he needs something he makes the most annoying noise in the world.  You know the one - from Dumb and Dumber?  Yes, he makes THAT.  Like if he sees a cup and he's thirsty.  Or if he wants up in the night.  OMG, that noise!  I can't wait till he can talk it out!  He will be getting his first haircut soon.  His current laugh is so funny for a little boy of 16 months - he's a deep "Heh heh heh" when he thinks he made a great joke or trick or game.  :D  Koral and him are great buddies and she eagerly awaits him waking up from nap.  They have figured out Hide and Seek and that's the favorite game!  Ocean is just like Koral with the super advanced climbing - he can now get in and out of the crow's nest on the playhouse outside and up and DOWN the ladder and slide.  Yep, he has no problem backing down a 5 foot ladder.  :/  They are both just the BEST kids ever.  They have my happiness in them.

March 23rd - Ocean is 11 months tomorrow!!!

So much every day, I feel guilty for not jotting down more.  Sometimes I post it on Facebook but not here.  Well, Koral talks more and more.  It's very awesome.  I have gone from "Mom" to "Mama" to "Mommy" in the last few weeks and she practices wording she hears other kids say.  This week, she started saying "Thank you" when I give her things she likes, but will look expectantly at me for the "Your welcome" to follow.  For a while, I didn't know what her "Thansku" was and I would say "what?" and then eventually move on, but when I said "Thank you?" and she lit up all happy and said "Uh huh!" I said "ooooh, your welcome!" and now it's a thing we do often.

Ocean started walking, slow at first, but now he gets up the speed to a drunken run and sometimes tips over a bit.  He's very much involved with his surroundings now, trying to feed me when I feed him, and yesterday, he took the tissue from me and wiped my nose!  He loves these things and finds it super funny.  He also likes songs and dancing, and man, loves his big gathering drum.  He will get up and stand on it and then scream about it and squat down and bang on it, and if it's upside down, put things in it and slide it around the floor or sit in it.  I guess I should plan something for his birthday - it's in one month!  Yay!!

#FunDailyCalendar continues, and while it takes some time every day, I still have hope that a following will eventually come and maybe will be worth continuing.  Tweaking as I go along.

We have all been taking turns with this round of sickness lately, and right now I'm not sick, Ocean is mostly over it, Koral has lost her voice and coughing, and Senthil is a bit sick, too.  It's not fun and I hope this is the last big sickness of the year.  It's spring officially now!

So many changes lately with my littles!  First, Ocean just turned 10 months and is just so brave and climbing everything.  He stopped trying to walk and won’t even hold my hands and walk anymore – just crawls with furious speed.  He loves all food, now has 4 teeth coming in, and loves to watch Koral and play with her.  He’s getting pretty rowdy and can take a fall, so they are starting to become more equals than big sister and little baby.  He climbs on the couch and has learnt how to get down feet first – he has used his drum to climb up onto the coffee table, and then fell off.  If allowed in the bathroom, he will do everything he can to lope himself into the bathtub, which is so scary I always keep the door closed unless I’m right there. 

Koral has found her words this week in a big way!  She suddenly clicked and is full of new verbal observations and questions.  The very first conversation we had was “Mom –why yellow?  Orange juice, why yellow?”  I suddenly realized why she was calling all the yellow things orange for a week – she loves orange juice and we call it orange.  We looked at oranges, then the juice, called oranges by name, and she seems satisfied.  What a great little brain!  Later more followed, like why Milo doesn’t woof, etc.  Yesterday why said “Koral go beach.   Koral like beach!”  Wow, I certainly hadn’t heard her say “beach” ever before!  It’s been amazing! 

I also began a new thing myself – a daily calendar video for kids.  Why?  I used to teach preschool for a year, and every day we did “circle time” – it was always the same sort of introduction to the day:  Calendar with songs, weather, and intro to the day’s activities.  So, being in a world now where absolutely everything is on YouTube or online, I looked for a current daily circle time for Koral to watch with me in the mornings.  And there was not one.  So I milled it over for a month, and decided it would be easy to do – it’s very repeative.  But the thing is, you can’t skip a day.  So it’s EVERY day, in case viewers rely on it, like teachers that have lost their voice and don’t want to struggle through calendar and just play this one, or kids that need routine, etc.  So far we’ve done this for a few weeks and it has been simple enough.  My goal is to continue for a year and see if I get a following worth continuing.  Plus, as an added bonus for me, I get to put some cute moments from my kiddos into a little edited vid every night!  We do each day one day in advance, so on Friday we film for Saturday, etc, and everything comes out on time.  #FunDailyCalendar

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCOQ9pZ3vfadN6DvKlbg0RSQ

At first I wondered if it would end up being a stressful time suck – but actually, I’m getting MORE done!  Its exciting to plan the fun thing each day, and Koral and Ocean are loving it, too.  When I might have just watched tv with them – more Sherriff Callie’s Wild West, again – instead I would clean up things and prepare for a fun, unique activity!  The weather has also been heaven this warm winter and we have lived outdoors from 10 to 5 most days – Ocean will nap in the middle and Koral and I will play sandbox, do DYI home improvement projects, and play all sorts of things.  The only part that really takes time is the editing and posting, which I do after they are in bed.  I enjoy it, and I’m getting faster, but that doesn’t mean that some nights I would rather curl up with a book instead.  The last two nights, I was done in time to sew some projects, and I have invented a new lily pad for jumping on made out of outdoor marine vinyl.  I plan to sell them in sets of 3, 6, or 9 – I will be working on the design and making more.  Also, yesterday I made a prototype of one of the little Resurrection Gardens I plan to sell for Easter.   These have a little cave and look a lot like a fairy garden. Koral’s is a “bear cave” for her littlest pet shop bear.  Finally, I will be working on turning an old vintage crib with the spindle bars into easter crosses to also sell – or for memorial day.  J 

Synopsis – The kids are amazing and I am LUCKY.  I love playing with them and love their sweet natures.  I enjoy #FunDailyCalendar immensely.  Life is good. 

It's been a while - Ocean is 9 months!!  Koral is a very smart 2.5 and talking more and more.  Senthil has adopted the task of reading her a bedtime storybook after bath and tonight reported that when reading the book with the little mirror on each page, when it said "Donald Duck has a boo boo - can you show your boo boo, too?" Instead of mimicking the thumb like donald, she took her foot out of the covers to show a little scrape that I put a bandaid on.  Sweet smart girl.  Also, she is starting to parrot all the shows and us.  The best is when she is really feeling it singing along to something or even just her own song - she sways dramatically and either yells loud or using she "singing voice" and closes her eyes and gets really into it.  So precious.  Her hair is all curls right now and she does not like a pony tail, even though it's just long enough for pig tails.

Ocean is SO close to walking.  He is so different from Koral - more cuddly as a baby, more social and less independent - and omg, the boy has a love for food like she did not.  I think he's in a growth spurt but he's foraging and begging for food all day long and eats more than Koral does already - at 9 months he is eating more solids than her.  He is ready to tackle it all.  He ate half a veggie burger two days in a row for lunch with sides of veggies and fruit.

I am amazed at how well they play together and I hope it continues.  They are two peas in a pod, and Koral is realizing he is changing and plays differently with him.  She really can't wait for him to be able to stand up and take her hands and dance in a circle.  I recently hurt my lower back and it is taking its time getting better, so I haven't been wild with her and she misses that wildness, always asking me to dance and give her rides.  However, in a way, maybe it's been good because she isn't relying on me for all her fun - she has invented a game of pulling Ocean's socks off and teasing him to chase her for them, and he will laugh and crawl after her.  Sometimes it's his whole pants!

Right now they have a ball pit set up in her bedroom that they both periodically love playing in, and that has been great on the colder days and mornings.

On my side, I'm currently reading The Magnolia Story and my long-time love of Fixer Upper has only grown.  Also, I'm working on a project that I might be able to sell - after my surprise success with selling orders of felt play christmas trees in early December, I was thinking of offering another creative play item.  Perhaps I'll try to do one every few months.  Also, the corporate tax season for HealthPlotter is here, so getting that going, and then personal tax season.  I DID get behind totaling our finances for three months.  That feels yucky.  I LOVE knowing exactly where we stand.  I usually do it every Sunday.  But, there has been a huge lack of time and energy with sickness and cold after sickness and cold.  Ocean cut his first tooth on his 9 month birthday, and has been teething badly since so he's up often and unpredictably at night.  I'm so often torn between letting him cry so I can be rested and getting up with him or giving him tylenol.

These kids are amazing - I can't even believe how wonderful they both are.  That said, my goodness, I have never been more tired as this last year.  It's unbelieveable how much work, how many tiny tasks every minute holds - not just diapers but picking up things that are constantly moving, dirty, clean and need put away, attention being desired, shopping for them, preparing things, changing bedding - it simply does not end.  If we stay home as we have done lately because they got runny noses and then I got a GI track bug, things just keep getting behind even though I'm always working on it.  It's much better to get out for a while and come home and then tackle it for a bit.  I can't wait for the cold season to sort of fizzle out and for people to no longer be scared of being social again.  It's such a gamble right now.

Senthil and I have changed so much since our beginning.  Technically, we started dating 9 years ago.  We have been married for 5.5 years.  It's been rocky.  He really pivoted in every way.  I don't write about that side of things much as it's just not what I want a record of - the kids, my goals, that's what most of my posts will feature.  I have hope with him, but it certainly has not been anything like what I would have thought or dreamed.  This is something I struggle with, but try to have optimism about.  Everyone has their battle.

Ocean is almost 4 months!

Well, my last post was a bit sad - but I am happy to say that things have been good since then.  I have talked with lots of other mom friends and there seem to be two kinds of moms - those in a situation similar to mine with husbands that might be very engaged in work and disconnected much of the time and clueless as to what their wife is going through, and also this super attentive type that coddles and is apparently the perfect mate.  I'm glad to know that I am not alone, and that in general, this is the tough part and things get easier as the kids grow.  AND, it is getting easier!  A huge challenge of my day for a month or two was Koral's bath.  Ocean would cry and bedtime was hard.  Now, he is old enough to be in the bath with her, and behold, that part of the night is no longer one of stress but one of lots of laughs.  Yay!  He's got a little tub chair and I can sit on the edge of the tub and wash Koral while he splashes happily and then wash him while she plays with the bubbles, and then take him out and get him dressed while she plays and then put him in the crib to watch the mobile while I get her out and such.  Another huge thing is he's no longer in the baby swing (the motor is wearing out, too) at all and instead just goes to the crib to fall asleep.  So awesome!

This last week, I went to our MOMS (Moms offering moms support) Club MNO (Moms Night Out) for the first time in a long time - with Senthil's approval!  And we saw the movie Bad Moms!  And it was so fun!!  And I came home to a happy house!  Because the kids slept through the whole thing.  So, he said I should do it more often.  I just had them nap shorter than normal and got them all bathed early so really it was simple for everyone.  :)  What a great thing!

Just wanted to report that happy stuff.  So glad for all the wonderful friends in my life.  And new neighbor friends, too!

Ocean is 3 months - Koral turned 2

This has been some of the happiest times in my life, and also the saddest.  We moved to this beautiful home - I know how blessed we are to have what we have, to be healthy, to have our amazing children - Ocean is catching up so fast - he's been rolling in both directions, always eager to stand up when you help him, so smiley and babbling - just all around a great infant and growing so fast he will catch up to his sister in no time.

But everyone has their struggles.  I didn't want to post anything, but they are not going away.  I will say this - it is much harder to be cheerful with a moody person around than without them.  It is much harder to feel good about a hard day's work when someone that won't help sits nearby.  It is heartbreaking when your life partner finds it painfully annoying to care for his own children while you run to the grocery store.  I know I am blessed in many ways and he is quite a hard worker with business.  But I will say that.

On to better things - Koral is loving dancing and we play Pandora music and dance in wild circles, leaps, and spins!  Hoping to get Senthil to help me take the TV off the wall and get the Wii set up so we can do dance with that.

Ocean has been scooting across the floor slowly for a while now with those long, tiny little rabbit feet of his, but now he just chews his hands and looks around.  He's quite bright!

I'm a little too sad to write much more right now.  Love them.  They are the best.

Moving Week!

Wow - so much has happened.  Ocean is now 1 month old - we are moving in one day to the new house, which we bought yesterday.  It's been crazy - but mainly, I have adjusted to daily life with both Koral and Ocean.

Sever times in the last two weeks, we went to spend some time at the nature park and walk under the trees.

The first time, I forgot my phone and couldn't take pictures, but Koral was so energetic and excited to be out - running happily under the trees.  I sat and took Ocean out of his pouch and nursed him and he slept on a blanket while Koral and I ran around the tree trunk chasing each other.  Then we all relocated to the Cherry Trees where I took the blossom pictures of Koral last month.  This I wanted to especially remember - Koral wanted to climb the tree, so Ocean was settled on a blanket in the shade peacefully sleeping and I was holding Koral up on the big limb - and then the wind blew and suddenly pop, pop, pop!  All these little ripe cherries landing everywhere, splatting on us!  Ocean's blanket, my shirt and arm, Koral's face - like a war zone with cherry juice.  It looked awful but was very funny and we both laughed and then collected the little cherries and squished them into juice/paint and drew with them on a log and some sticks.  We took some home, but they dried up a bit before we got to use those.

Otherwise - Just in the business of packing and relocating.  More to follow - I'm thinking after the move I will have a lot more time to write.  Also, to organize photos and maybe do some creative things.  Here's to a happy move!